All I Want

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I love this song.  I find so many that touch me deep in my soul.  Music has always been my saving grace.

 

 

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Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

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I have been a bit busy with the newest addition to our family.  Her name is Lucy.  She is a dachshund rat terrier mix.  She was born on 10/31/17.  Her pregnant mom and dad was dropped off at the Vincennes Animal Shelter.  Her dad had a note pinned to his collar that said, “Max, Indoor dog.”  The shelter named her mom Nola.  There was three pups in the litter.  She was the runt.  She has a black and tan brother and another blond sister.  My depression improved almost immediately and my anxiety levels have went down a lot since she has been home.  She is about 10 weeks old in this picture and she is full of it.  She is very loving and has an old soul.  I am glad she is part of my life.  I do better with a dog to mother.  It fulfills that need in me to take care of something and since I don’t have a job now it fills up my day.   Her full name is Lucy Sky Diamonds, from the Beatles song.  She has a white diamond on the back of her neck.  26230103_10215160474349103_8776461640059615712_n

Sleep

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I saw my doctor yesterday and we decided to try some new medicine to help me get better rest.  I have been fighting sleep.   Or if I do get to sleep, I will wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.  We discussed whether it could be due to my insulin or pain management.  My doctor does her absolute best to help me.  I woke up this morning and saw this on FB.  It stopped me and really thought about the message.  I have been under a lot of stress dealing with the job loss, the pet loss and thinking about filing for disability.  I try to help others and I take care of my best friend who has a lot of problems as well.  My soul is tired and no pill is going to help that.  Only God that fix that. Only God can give me the relief I am seeking.  It’s time I get back in the Word.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

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This great quote by Marsha M. Linehan is often how I feel: “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

I decided to file for my disability, so I have been gathering the information that I know I will need to get the process started.  I was laid off from my job around 2008 and I went to a therapist to deal with the feelings of being unplugged that I had at that time.  I did not cope with the job loss very well.  My therapist told me I had Dysthymic Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I stopped going once I felt better so we never got to the Borderline Personality Disorder.  I didn’t know about that until I got a copy of my diagnosis this past week. I have probably had this for a long time and after reading about it…..my life makes a lot more sense.  It was like solving a jigsaw puzzle with the last three tiles that got accidently knocked under the table.  I am now able to start understanding and knowing my triggers better.   I also allowed my doctor to put me on medicine for depression, which should help the symptoms of BPD as well.

My past life

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If I believed in reincarnation, then I would have been a Viking shield maiden in one of my past lives.  Something about being a warrior speaks to me on a deep level.  Maybe I just feel weak sometimes and the shield maiden’s were tough as nails, fighting next to their Viking men.

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Thanksgiving

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Every year I watch people post their Thanksgiving pictures.  I read about their treasured memories of days gone by.  I eat the turkey and ham, noodles, and dressing.  It is a hard day for me.  When you lose someone you love on any day it is hard, but on a day when you are supposed to be thankful it causes a great conflict in your heart.  I have to look at Thanksgiving in a different way.  I am thankful that he knew the Lord.  I am thankful that he was saved.  I am thankful for him teaching me how to pray and assuring me there are no right or wrong ways to do it.  You just have to speak from your heart he said.  I am thankful he is no longer in pain.  I am thankful for every minute I got to spend with him.  I am thankful that his daughter is grown up with a beautiful baby of her own.  I am thankful for my best friend.  Yes, the day hurts me, it hurts me deeply.  I am thankful though every year that those I love are still here with me.  Thankful that I am blessed beyond measure.  So for all that I say…..Happy Thanksgiving.

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Grey’s Anatomy

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I just watched the episode where they removed Mark Sloan (Dr. McSteamy) from the ventilator after the plane crash.  Dr. Webber explained to Callie and Derek everything that would happen from the time they pulled the tube until he passed.  Seventeen years ago this week, I had to make the choice to remove a young man from the vent.  A man that was very much loved and cherished by many.  I don’t remember the nurse giving any instructions.  I don’t remember being told what would happen.  I do remember how scared I was, how I couldn’t breath.  It has been seventeen years and I still wish I had been given some idea of what was going to happen.  I believe it would have helped us both greatly to have that gentle voice in the background telling us what to expect.  We only had each other to cling to at the single most horrifying moment of my life.  That moment bonded us to each other.  It is now that I understand my PTSD, anxiety and panic much more than I ever did.